from up and down, and still somehow

It’s cloud illusions I recall

I really don’t know clouds at all”     – joni mitchell

Do you ever look up and wonder, how alike or how different are the tenants in a building such as this?

You ever wonder what the dreaming is for sometimes? You ever wonder if it got you into more trouble? I am not advocating to stop dreaming, I think personally I would cease to exist if that were the case.  Can you dream too much, always dreaming of more, and never being satisfied with the now.  There is a difference between stagnation and stopping to absorb the good in something for awhile.  Can you tell that I am searching?  Maybe my head has been down for far too long, and I have only dreamt of what the sky might look like…It is time, I am about to be 31, which feels as exciting as 22 did. I think it is time to look up.

Here I am, still at home on a Thursday afternoon, working from here until I start my still new job at Starbucks!  It is a good opportunity to get some benefits, and discounts, and more discounts.  I didn’t think after 2 bachelor’s degrees that I would be happy to be working here, but I have to say it will be nice to work period.  The city and I haven’t seen each other in a while, not since last Saturday at the Gallery opening for the photographer I work for.  When there is more flow I will be back on that train in no time.  Saying hello to the smoke stacks of the power plant that look like giant candy-canes, the ear-popping experience of being rushed underground as we go under the bay to dock at Penn Station.  Soon, Soon.

In the mean time, I have been having car problems.  Nothing new.  I actually committed a sin and got a credit card at the car repair place to pay for the repairs.  Before you freak, it is interest free for 3 months.  I will get paid before then, and that bitch will be paid, and the card, cut-up.  This is the one time I am getting a car repair on lay-away (sort-a) I can’t wait to not be dependant on this thing that I have loved for so long. I love to drive but in NY, where you can walk everywhere, take the train, or ride a bike…Why would I need a car?….Because, I am not in the city, I am on Long Island. One big strip mall carefully disgiused by the beautiful homes and waterfront property.  Pot Holes the size of the grand canyon waiting to take out a tire or swallow a whole car.  The island filled with bitter sweetness…  good for settling down, but I am not settling yet.  I am just getting started.

This emotion is coming from an article I read today in Mother Jones magazine, it was called “Spin the Bottle” in the Sept/Oct 2009 issue.  It was about the “behind the scenes” of Fiji Water.  If you have ever seen the documentary Flow, it was along thoses lines.  Talking about how Fiji one of the most hip waters to drink comes from a place so beautiful, but parts that suffer from the fact that there is contaminated water, drought, and yet there is a plant that is producing so many thousands of bottles a day…makes you think…Just Saying….

As far as New York goes, if only there was a symphony composed when the subways release hundreds of people into Penn Station.  2 train’s passengers coming together as one, down the stairs quickly, around the corridor at a brisk pace, dodging people who are looking for their friend, people with luggage or the elderly, up 4 steps to the Exit turn styles, but be carful because they are also an entrance for the opposite traffic.

Thru the turn-style and another crowded corridor, this one lit with almost a greenish hue, and today lined with 3 sleeping bums that wreaked of urine. The herd divides, people rushing left,  while I go right towards tracks 13 to 21 to wait with a new herd that is constantly jostling as a new trains show up to carry the next group of people out of the city.  The mayhem that happens is chaos yet it is so accepted and so natural to wait along tourists and business men and women alike, to stare up at the black electronic board, looking at the cities, the times that are next and follow both to the right column of the board, the one that will tell you the track number, as the trains above yours on the board blink with a track number that their train is on, people running around you, you stand firm staring at the blank space until, finally, ten minutes prior to your departure time the number reveals its self…today, Track #14…grab my bag and camera, and squeeze thru the crowd without getting slowed down by the criss-crossing traffic to the other tracks.  Down the steps to the platform to wait behind the crowd of people who have mapped out where the doors of the LIRR will land.  The train comes into the station, and it keeps going, and going, and going…finally it slows and then stops.  It feels like a lifetime before the doors open, as we all all stand there, hot from the train exhaust, from the crowd closing around you, then suddenly you hear the expulsion of air – then the doors open-people get tight, even tighter still in hopes to get first to the seat to themselves, or at least the seat that suits them best…for me it is a window seat. Rush hour, you hardly ever will be sitting along, until the first stop lets a lot of the commuter traffic out.  Switch positions for more room then wait your turn.  Repeat the next day.  Until tomorrow.

being diligent isn’t something I am always good at, but I am going to try to just write.

It is Wednesday night April 21, hours before Earth Day of this 2010 year.  Today I did my best to be apart of the city once again.  I take the LIRR (Long Island Rail Road) from Oakdale to Penn Station.  I walk up to the ticket machine, tap the screen, Oakdale to Penn Station, Round Trip Peak, 1 Adult, $30.00 Ticket only, Debit transaction, receipt and ticket in hand, I walk across the tracks to Platform A with my heavy bag waiting in the protective area that is somewhat shielding from the cold.  I take the 7:02 train direct into Penn to arrive at 8:30 or the 8:12 to get into Penn at 9:40. If I am wanted at work at 11 I take the 8:12 train then walk from Penn station which is at 34th and 7th to 72nd and Amsterdam to catch the 3 Train uptown to 145th street in Harlem to my internship.  As I walk the almost 40 blocks to the subway, I get to feel the surge of New York’s magic, the bustle of the crowds, the thousands of taxis that clog the streets, the sweet stench of sewer, manure, and cigarette smoke fill the air.  I feel the caffeine jolted crowds surround me as they all look like they have somewhere to be.  Look straight ahead, look for a cab, look to see if a car is coming.  Nothing is so fun as dodging your first cab.

The unions are protesting again.  Inflatable rats go up as a sign of unrest, so I am told. Unions seem to be bigger here than in California, but what do I know, I am a wanna-be city girl from the suburbs pretending for a little while that i might have a chance at something, even if I have to work at starbucks until I find what that is.

So I leave you with this…feeling all inspired again to take a chance everyday, even if I have to start small.  Just finishing one of Anthony Bourdain’s books Kitchen Confidential and just loving it, I hear him in my head, his narrations become mine.  Since this is my story, I choose him as that narrator.  This might change depending on the next book I pick up.  I think this train riding will be good for me.  2 books in a month…that is more than usual by 2!  Today marks the end of book 2…Remember sometimes it is the small steps that are the hardest…

Until the next time…Find beauty everywhere….Even a whisk and a strainer can provide beauty. Good Night

So here I sit, soaking in one more day of “freedom” before I start my hopefully Real internship/job in Harlem. I am not going to say too much because I don’t want to jinx it! All I can say that the 2 hour commute by train and subway will be refreshing to someone who likes to multi-task. In LA, multi-tasking in the car takes careful practice and is highly illegal. Well no more putting on make-up, changing, reading while in traffic…The only thing I have to worry about is when to catch my train, and what book to read next…